truths

She shifts attention from selfish need to selfish need. Tears in hand trying to explain a bag filled with the sorry explanations she takes out and use accordingly. Most people will acknowledge vices of substance use or abuse, but what happens when the substance takes on human traits and characteristics, a heart and a name.

She shifts attention from one to the next and back to herself, painting illusions of stability and love, caring and heart. Except for the fact, that it’s all done in the name of selfish game, or gain, as she fills her soul with the hearts of those who loved her. They say loosing the one you love through some form of deceit can create a state of animosity that clouds perception. I wish this was the case, I wish I was just bitter and this was just some jilted ranting.

Let’s call her emotionally dangerous. She is earth but moves like fire, destroying pathways of friendship and love. Her blaze captures you in its brilliance, but eventually the smoke clears and the wind blows and subdues the fire. She is love that seeks the company of a lover and that lover’s friend, a love that draws triangles, dipped in gasoline and then sets it ablaze. I am wind.

Wind is two-spirited, gently and strong, masculine and feminine. It can shift direction in a second. I refuse to carry the stench of blood and deceit on my journey to possibilities. The one that will never carry the sound of your name to bed, like I had done before despite what my spirit guides said. Despite the fact that I saw deceit and danger in your eyes, yet I ventured in the trap you baited. As I stand back, away from your danger, I see the traps you continue to set, baiting lovers and their friends, playing them both against each other, so that they may fight over you.

Sadness is the individual who feels powerless that they feel a need to create their fantasies. Danger is bringing those fantasies to life at the risk of another’s pain. At the risk of broken friendships and hearts…while your tears create doubts in the minds of those you claim to love, but use for your pleasure. But karma has a way of manifesting truths…you probably don’t even know yours.

independence for me

We just celebrated our 47th year of Independence. Two days have passed and the triangular red, white and black flags seem to flap our national anthem in the breeze. But what do we know of independence? Besides a date, and our national flag flying high, when the majority of the population flying high on depression and bad politics, hospitals with not enough beds and doctors with private institutions offering said patients care at a cost, while we pay health surcharge every month. But this is our Independence we raise flags for, stand in lines to watch the military parade….yiepeeeee we’re free. But free from what? I still can’t sleep with my bedroom window open, I still can’t walk the street holding my lover’s hand, and I still can’t afford to buy a house without a spouse. But happy 47^th all the same.

Some believe, and I did at some point in time, that freedom is a state of mind, and to an extent it is. As a man thinks therefore he is…but one can’t pretend that obstacles don’t exist, counteracting all the positive mantras and beliefs that I greet the day with. And I haven’t stopped believing, but I’m slowly becoming a realist, after a long time of being optimistic about life and love.

An ex once told me that I am a dreamer, and I remember how much that hurt…I guess it’s the same reason I believed that we would always be friends, and not pass as strangers, as we do now. Maybe there was never any love there to begin with; maybe I wasted nearly a decade of sharing a space. And it just goes to show sometimes we think we know someone, but we really don’t. Strangers parading as friends, and as lovers, only in so much as it satisfy their needs. Right now I am trying to free my heart from becoming bitter, but how do I give someone else so much of me again. There is a Tracy Chapman song that says something like “Next time, I’ll keep a little love for myself, enough for my heart to mend…” So I’ve buried some seeds of self love, waiting for them to catch and bear before I venture fought into loveville again…but this time it will be different. So in the mean time ‘happy independence’ country, and ‘happy independence self.’

Throwing stones to the horizon

I've put my past behind me. Folded my memories and forced them into that draw, deep at the back of my heart. Ten years of friendship and love sliced by a gaze, seasoned by my tears and mixed in this uncomfortable bowl of disbelief. But I refuse to eat the hatred; it leaves a bitter taste that never seems to leave.

Some say it is better to have love and lost. But what if loosing is all you seem to do, then what's the sense of rendering yourself vulnerable to new possibilities. I know the word possibilities presents many variations of life and situations, but I can't help it if mine all seem to go in a certain direction, dotting the horizon as the sun places a tired day to bed.

And yes i've read 'The Secret" and practice positive thinking, but perhaps this is my fate, preparing me to strengthen my faith, so that I may one day stand firm like bamboo, with the resilience to weather life's tantrums.

Easily broken, my heart pumps tears through my veins, and still old lovers stab at my delicate mask, perhaps waiting to see me break, as they snuggle close to new love, disrespecting all that we have shared. But this is life, I suppose. The tears that run through my veins will eventually evaporate through the sweat of my pores as I toil and toil building myself for me again.

So this is the stone I throw to the horizon, finally putting this old love to sleep. The note attached says. "I wish you all the best, may the blessings be."

River