Visibility

Safe spaces are underrated, but if it weren’t for them, the day will feel like 50 hours long, burdened by a mixture of positive and negative self consumed thoughts about being who I am.

Yesterday I ventured into POS, simply because I had been craving a ‘Sally’s double’s for a while, and since I had some time to kill, I detoured down town, parked opposite Church’s Chicken and walked to the Sally’s doubles stand near the Jerk stand. I stood behind a score of people waiting, some with napkins in hand, some eating. My eyes caught sight of a woman with short dreadlocks, giving another woman the eye, her lips pointing to me. The woman looked back and caught my eye. I neither smiled nor diverted my gaze. Somehow in that brief moment between glances so many thoughts flooded me, reminding me of those many insecurities I thought I had crumpled and thrown away.  But unknown to me, someone went into my trash, rescued and ironed them; now they stood crisp in front my eyes. What were their glances about? The thoughts swirling around my head, made the glances impossible to decode…neither their lips nor eyes bore any smile. Standing my ground I kept my stare fixated upon theirs…being reminded of my visibility, gave me an inner strength I had not felt before. When I got my doubles, I went and stood behind the one who initiated the stares in the first place. She kept looking back, and eventually walked a small distance away and kept staring.

I am comfortable in my skin, was the mantra my heart repeated. My thoughts however were not so comfortable, and weaned in and out of past insecurities. When I was a cub, my lips were positioned to meet others with a smile, but my visibility was greeted by frowns and misconstrued meanings…my smile disappeared, my stare saw only what was in front me…others hatred and ignorance for who I was. I became stoic and in some cases reserved, and this was my mask.

The thing about this mask is that it comes off in safe places, like work and home and among my special circle of friends. And sometimes when I am so comfortable, I misplace it, especially when I refuse to venture outside that scared arena…so when I was confronted by it, I was left mask-less…but a funny thing about being left naked is the strength we foster within. Today I am going to destroy that mask…face the sun in my visibility and step forward.

WOLF SPIRIT

It’s been a while since I’ve added something to my blog, and as I begin writing I have no clue as to where it will lead. So let’s just call this piece of sharing word-flow.  I am beginning to accept my state of choice, being alone, not lonely, just alone. Too often I was caught up in the ‘feeling sorry for myself’ status. I am learning about my strengths, my abilities, my weakness, my dreams, my expectations.

For the first time in a long time, I am re-connecting with my inner self.  And as I’ve learnt before great things can transpire when this happens. On another note I am strengthening those relationships with many of those who have reached out to me before, like family and friends.  

However at the end of the day I remain the lone wolf on top of the mountain, looking around and looking within. The wind blows against my face, and I taste her breath as sweet as sunlight could taste all sprinkled with love. Call her God, call her Spirit, call her my Inner Guidance, the trilogy of unconditional love and acceptance of self and beyond. I am accepting all that I’ve felt and yearned, I am accepting all that I know, all that had been granted and all that had not been. Sometimes desires are mirages that are best left unreal and untouched. And I thank God for those.

I turn to the east, to the west, to the north and the south, I look up and down and then I look within. Behind me paw prints leave my mark, and with time they will return to the dust and dusk of life. Ahead of me, stretches untouched land barren and wild. My fur is coated with the seeds of flowers and fruits. I begin with one step…my inner being makes the next…and we go on...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qw-mItvdS7o

Commonizing the 'C'

Maybe in some ways I have a gripe about religion and religious fanatics who believe the bible is the only roadmap to their version of life-ever-after. What is the point of religion if it creates a superiority complex in the minds of people? Judging those that do not warm church pews on Sunday morning sermons or those who don’t adhere to the virtues of being a good christian...whatever that may be.

Well as far as I can remember from my childhood, sunday-school-forced-to-go-to-classes, Jesus never judged. He loved all equally, yet still many are quick to quote chapter and verse as they see fit to show you up for not being that proverbial ‘good christian’

Someone told me that a good christian does not visit bars, or places themselves in situations to be tested. But then what good is having a strong believe in God and self if we do not put ourselves to the test…and could someone show us these test results.

Indulge me here, this is just me getting ahead of this thought-train. Do you realize that the spell check on your computer always capitalizes the letter ‘C’ in the word christian…I don’t believe all christians are deserving of that uppercase ‘C’. I think I shall revisit this sharing and change the ‘C’ like the way they want to change me. Wow! now my computer says the word ‘christian’ is spelt incorrectly. Maybe they need to feel what politically incorrectness feels like sometimes. Maybe they need their beliefs to be tested, instead of always trying to play it safe.

As far as I remember Jesus never played it safe, he mixed with everyone, saints and sinners and still never judged. But many of our so called christians go above and beyond, placing themselves out of temptation, so that they may not falter, but then again what is faltering? Maybe living your life is faltering.

Well according to their doctrines I have grown up believing that I will never see the light of God, despite the person that they will never take the time to know. And I’ve long ago accepted that, made my peace with it, spoke to the divine creator about, being made in the divine’s own likeness and all.

Let’s examine that, some believe that this likeness resembles only mirror reflections, but mirrors are funny things, reflecting the heart that holds it. But if anyone can hold up a mirror, shouldn’t we conclude that we are all made in the divine’s own likeness.

On a different and personal note when pastor goes to sleep every night being comforted by his spouse, don’t we all deserve to feel that same love, comfort, compassion, passion, oneness that we each strive for, regardless of race, class, sexual orientation, disability, addiction and belief. I am no better than my brother or sister, and they are no better that me…we are here to learn and grown at our own pace…life I believe is an individual path…where we answer not to a congregation, or a pulpit, or to any priests, pastor, pundit, imam or tree but to God, Jah, Nature, Jesus, Allah, Shiva, Jehovah, whomever our hearts speak to.

a sneak from the book

(a sneak from the book)

i’ve been meaning to write this poem since April

when the Poui trees came into bloom

and I don’t know you well enough

to sneak into your house and scatter

yellow Poui petals on your bed

won’t run the risk of being thrown out

by the length of my locks

that I will gladly trace your body with

or told ‘I just don’t feel the same,

but we can still be friends’

and although I may prefer another ‘f’ word

perhaps my mind and heart can get ahead of myself

maybe you’d tell me to ‘come here’

and in that case I’d scoop you up and

physically take you to this yellow bed-garden

welcome you with a kiss

day-dreaming until reality wakes me

you know I’d settle for friendship

after seeing the beauty of your soul

the purity of your heart

mind-flirting as I gaze into your eyes

pondering as to what your pillow-talk may sound like

and this is no silly school-girl crush

despite how it feels

heart unlocked

spread open exposing all that is delicate to me

and from where I stand

I will gladly be your wife.

© 2008 paula obè

a new year begins

Love is strange yet beautiful. I am racking my brain to remember the effects of love’s anticipation…and I am left void of memories. Maybe it never happened, maybe it is yet to happen. Maybe all this time, all these experiences were preparing me to accept and recognize it when I am confronted by its knock.

I’ve been writing this poetry book about soul mates, well actually my soul mate. The book is a gift of moments, of the anticipation of love’s arrival, for you, whom ever you may be. I wonder how we’d recognize each other. How do you recognize the person you’d want to call home. I believe that line came from an Ani Di Franco's song.

I dream in voices, and I’ve heard your voice a million times, gentle and strong, whispering sweet some-things like a morning’s breeze. I’ve scattered poui petals on our bed with kisses that trace every inch of that dream…and you.

But dreams get interrupted by sunlight…so I will stand in its glory, facing the east so that I may see your face, your smile your wisdom. In the mean time, I will live my life knowing that when the universe is ready, so am I.